Nothing Gold Can Stay

I have been thinking about this famous Robert Frost quote for years, but the significance of it has picked up over the past several months. "Nothing gold can stay". Four words with such true and raw intensity. Things keep moving forward. Nothing can stay as they are. Especially age. 

Today marks my 50th birthday. A half a century. The age that my mom was when I thought she was old. And, now-here I am. I remember a decade ago like it was yesterday, yet I can’t seem to remember what I did two days ago. I remember my first day of kindergarten (I wore red), but I have minimal recollection of last week. Clearly, the short-term memory can’t stay!

Nothing gold can stay. Including my 40s. This past decade has been life-changing. Then again wouldn’t every 10 years of a life naturally be? 10 years. From 19-20, I was a rising junior in college (the same age as my oldest child now). And, when I was 29-30 I was pregnant. From 30-40, we raised babies into little kids. From 40-50 kids to teenagers. A decade is a significant mark of time. 10 years ago I had a totally different career.  I realize that after these past 10 years who my true blues are and who aren’t. Distance doesn’t necessarily define the people who I am closest with, yet often history does. And, the statement of "friendly not friends" has never rung more true than it has in my late 40s.

I also have stopped trying to be more or better or fix things with toxic people. Over the past several years, I have identified and finally acknowledged that it is not my job to please everyone all the time. The people who matter most get to have that focus. They deserve it. Not the people who make it feel bad. Not the people who are more draining than positive forces in my life. I am good with this. 

So much else is different, but here are some of the other things that stand out. When I turned 40, I hadn’t lived through a pandemic.  If you said to me at 40 that I would have bariatric surgery 8 years later, I would have not been able to comprehend it. Because at 40, I didn’t have sleep apnea or high blood pressure. I was always on a diet in my 20s, 30s, and 40s, and my hope is that I can live a healthy life both mentally and physically moving forward into 50 and beyond. Happy to report that I do not have sleep apnea or high blood pressure anymore. And, weight loss used to be about vanity in the 20s and 30s, and early 40s, but as I rounded the corner to my late 40s, I realized that health was all that mattered. And, that took a lot of inner growth and understanding. 

Things that were a focus "then" are not a focus now, and I suppose in 10 years I will say the same thing. I think about all the songs that didn’t exist in 2013. I didn’t like country music. Now I do. I preferred sweet back then. Now, I would pick savory. Shopping in a store is not frequent whereas online is the likely choice. And convenience has changed the way I approach my days. Door-to-Door dry cleaning delivery pick up, dog food delivery, grocery delivery, high noon delivery! Weed is legal. If you had said to me when I was 19 turning 20 that in 30 years you would be able to walk into a store and purchase marijuana legally,  I wouldn’t have believed you. I probably would have laughed. 

When I turned 40, I hadn’t been to Israel. I went twice this decade. As an adult in my 40s, I had my Bat Mitzvah in 2015. I launched a side hustle in 2016. As for my kids, both had braces, faced the challenging days of puberty, both started driving, and one went off to college. One is about to turn 20. One is 17, and it will be amazing to see where they are at 30 and 27. It will be totally different just as the decades have unfolded change over change over change. I guess only time will tell. 

There are moments I want to hold onto. And, there are moments I would like to forget. There are things that I am proud of. And, things I am not. Would I change the past decade? No. But, would I change how I navigated certain instances? Without a doubt. That is growth and learning. That is the wisdom I carry with me into my 50s. Life isn't high school. Life isn't about popularity. It's about holding onto the people you cherish, thriving in those special relationships, and taking care of the people you love the best you can. 

I am on a constant quest to do better. That is part of my innate personality. So, today, July 13th, 2023- I wish myself a very happy 50th. I wish for those I love to have health and happiness. And, I wish that when I look back on the next decade I will pull new wisdom from it. I don't want to rush it, but I am ready to embrace it.