To my first born who is about to leave for college

If you had been born on your due date, I would not be writing this. Why? Because you would have missed the cut-off, and you would be entering your Senior year in high school. Not Freshman year of college. But, you made the cut-off, and in two weeks, you will be spreading your wings as you enter the next chapter of your life. College.

Over the past year as we entered the college application process, I have been running your life's timeline over and over again in my mind. Savoring, holding onto, and remembering the moments big and small. I keep trying to get those actual feels that I had in those actual moments, and sometimes I can actually feel that time. And, while it is hard to put it into actual words, that is how I have been processing this big life-changing experience, my son.

You came into my life on August 20, 2003, at 36 weeks. And, you lived your first few weeks of life in the NICU. With every passing day, all I could think about was the time that was cutting into my maternity leave with you. I didn’t want to leave you, ever. It was so powerful and real. My first three weeks as your mom were so hard because I had to leave you each night at the NICU. But, you’ve made parenting nothing short of a true pleasure since we brought you home on September 7, 2003. 

I remember your bris. I remember walking around with you in the stroller on those fall Chicago days. We had outings at Babies R Us, the grocery store, Chipotle, the pediatrician, and it was good. What I didn't know in the fall of 2003 was how the future pages of your life would be written and how you would grow and thrive only to be at the point of where you are now. About to turn 18. About to leave for college.

I remember the day I left you to return to work, and I am pretty sure that sending you off to college will not feel as bad as that moment did. The guilt, sadness, and worry overcame me. Worry will be ever-present, but not guilt and not true, true gut-wrenching sadness. It will be different. But, it won't be sad different.  

I think about BBB (Bath, Books, Bed), The Little Gym, potty training, your first day of preschool, your first bus ride to day camp, Kindergarten orientation on the bus, your time at Sprague, and how you used to say to your sister, "all I do is work, work, work" when you were in 2nd grade. I guess that will tie in nicely with college because you will have to put in the work, work, work. I guess 2nd grade wasn't that hard? Report back after Freshman year. 

You wanted to play an instrument. And, you wanted the cello. At first, I didn't quite get the cello, but it quickly grew to be one of my favorite instruments. And, one of my favorite things to do…watch you playing the cello in an orchestra in 3rd-8th grade. What I didn't know in 3rd grade was that you would eventually learn to play guitar like a rockstar. Self-assured as you were, you knew you were supposed to play an instrument. The cello helped you pivot yourself to the instrument that ultimately won your heart, the guitar. 

Your time at Half Day was fast. And, your time at DW was a blur, thankfully because we both know that middle school sucks. In HS you thrived. But, that came fast too. 

Not in order, but… sleep away camp, your Bar Mitzvah, watching you learn how how to ride a bike, and holding the "oh shit" handle as you learned to drive. 

You entered freshman year in Guitar 2. You started a club with friends at Stevenson which is no easy feat. You were in a band. You kept a few middle school friends while you fostered new, close friendships stemming from BBYO and camp. I believe these friendships will continue to play an important role in your life well past high school. See, my son, one of the best qualities about you is that you are true to yourself. It takes real maturity to live your teenage years being good with who you are. And, that by definition is you. You don’t social climb. You don’t have FOMO, usually. You don’t try to be someone who you aren’t. People adore you. And, while I clearly do too, I mean others. Your friends, your sister, extended family, and from what I can see over this summer, your campers. You light up a room with your humor, wit, and magnanimous personality. I am biased, but others have told me what a great kid you are. So, bias or not…I think you’re pretty awesome. 

It is not easy to grow up with social media. Or, I should say it doesn’t appear to be easy to grow up with social media since when I was growing up life was in black and white :). And, then add an international, unfathomable pandemic to the mix. You pushed through college applications while trying to "do" high school from Zoom. Covid has been unkind to kids of all ages, but I have to imagine that being cut short of your Junior year parlayed with a less than ideal Senior year has been anything but easy. But, in true fashion, you persisted through. You created your own outlets. You did the best a person, a teenager nevertheless, could do given the timing of it all. 

You tell your mom (that’s me) that you love me. And, you tell it like it is. That’s the Leo (not our dog but the zodiac sign) in you. I am just sitting here thinking of our first moments together as mom and son, and I really can’t believe we are here. I have been anticipating and dreading this moment for years. Anticipating because you know how much I loved college, and I hope you will too. Dreading because I know that once you go, you will be forever transient in our lives as a resident, not as a son! But, as you put it so clearly…would we really want our adult child living with us forever? And, of course, the rational side of me says no way! The irrational side thinks that would be nice…to hear you in your room playing video games, indefinitely. Or, popping out of your room to say goodnight every night when you’re actually home. But, we both know that this is exactly where you should be in your life, and I am not unrealistic to think otherwise. Because you are ready to soar. You might have pre-college jitters. But, so does every kid heading to college. And, while I would love to have you stay here forever in this moment, I know that your future path is right. 

So, here are some words I will impart onto you as you wrap up camp, come back home for 9 days, and pack your life up into the car...

Do not change who you are. You are great, and anyone who doesn’t recognize will lose out. 

Be smart about your choices. 

Going to college is a privilege. And, going to a Big 10 college is extraordinary in so many ways. Absorb it. Live it. Take it all in. Because if you think high school went fast, college goes even faster. 

Realize that you are human and you will make some bad choices. That’s ok because that’s how you learn. Just don't make the same ones over and over again. 

Don’t be afraid to ask your parents for help. Our job doesn’t end because you’re going to college…it also is a new beginning for us. We are here for you always and unconditionally. 

Don’t be afraid to ask others for help. Others as in future friends who you haven’t met yet and old friends. 

Don’t be afraid to say no. You know what makes you uncomfortable and what you don't want to do.

Set healthy boundaries. 

Don’t second guess yourself. 

Be respectful of others. I don’t even know why I am telling you this because I know you know and are respectful of others. 

Be honest. With yourself. With your parents. With friends. And, with your professors. 

Allow yourself to be vulnerable. 

Be you. Always be you. 

I love you always and forever, Zachary.

Love, Mom