Dieting is Evil.
This blog entry is about my unhealthy relationship with food and how diets have created it.
At 43 years old, I long for the day where I will have a perfectly normal relationship with food again. And, I say "again" because I didn't have true food relationship issues until post college when I moved to Chicago in 1995. I know if you are a woman reading this who is equally as screwed up as me.....you get it when I say that I know exactly what size and weight I have been for the past 20 years. Wedding day, pre children, post babies, first day of my new job. The year. Things like that. I know exactly what size I was. And, what I weighed. That's some totally Fucked. Up. Shit.
For 1 1/2 years I have been obsessing about the way I will look at my son's Bar Mitzvah which is now 6 days away. How will I look in the pictures? He has worked SO INCREDIBLY hard on this, and I in parallel have worked hard to put a nice event together. I also worked hard to have my Bat Mitzvah before his Bar Mitzvah so that I could understand the commitment and dedication from a learning and emotional perspective. But, what if I don't look great? And, what if I hate myself in pictures? Will I ever forgive myself? This has been the song playing over and over and over and over in my head for 1 1/2 years!!! It is royally fucked up! First and foremost, it breaks the cardinal rule of what the bar mitzvah is all about. My son is 13. He is about to have HIS bar mitzvah. I am so incredibly proud of the person he is becoming and the things he does in his life. How can I be so shallow to even think about the way that I look? I am not even a shallow person!!!!! But, with this. I am clearly broken. When I realized that 3 weeks ago that I accept myself, and this is how I will look at the bar mitzvah, a tremendous amount of emotional weight was lifted off of my shoulders. And, the stress has manifested into joy and excitement. Weight and body image issues have ruined so many pivotal moments for me. I am not going to let it this time. I refuse.
Several years ago I wrote an article for Chicago Parent called No More Dieting. I thought I was free of it all. I was normal. With food. With my size. Normal by my standards. Not Hollywood standards. Not other people's standards. But, by MY standards. And, that was enough for me. I was in a good space both physically and mentally. And, as time progressed I got even better. But, then I had to fuck with it. That's right....after years of living "normal" getting out of the diet ditch, it wasn't good enough for me. And, I chose to go on a diet 6 months before I was tuning 40. Why? Because I had to look my best heading into the next decade of life. I dropped those extra 15 lbs. Weighed less than I had in like 13 years. I looked great. But, then as after I turned 40 I burnt out. I was sick of the restriction of this diet. I subconsciously rebelled. And, the pounds packed back on fast and furious. And, then in my desperation and misery, I did a diet winter/spring 2015. This would be categorized as basic borderline starvation. Let's refer to it as Spring Starvation of 2015. Extremely unpleasant. Break 1 rule-the whole thing goes to shit because you come out of ketosis. Who can live like this? If you can-hats off to you! Mazel Tov! But, I can't. Let me rephrase. I "could". But, I won't. I won't do this to myself anymore. Sure, I lost weight. But, as soon as I ate food like a human being-it came right back on-fast and furious. Just like the time before. And, before that. And, before that. Pure diet hell.
A few months ago I had a pivotal moment with my therapist. My relationship with food had gotten so restrictive due to the worry and fear of the bar mitzvah that I realized (again) that dieting is what has made me gain weight over and over and over and over again. Dieting has failed me. And, NOT dieting has aided in me losing weight while resetting my metabolism. I am about 12-14 lbs less than when I started my new job in January 2016. And, most of that has come off in the last several months of NOT DIETING. And, it's staying off (unlike Spring Starvation of 2015).
Look, I am not saying to eat and eat and eat and eat. I am saying that if you allow yourself to eat the things you like and you don't constantly restrict yourself, you will be all the better for it. I believe that our brain tells us what we need. Maybe it is sugar. So, have some fruit. Live on the edge and have a muffin. Put real sugar in your coffee or tea. Not that fake stuff. Real butter (less of it). Bread (not a whole loaf would be a good starting point). Allow yourself to eat like a normal person, and you will crave less and desire less because it's "allowed". As soon as you tell yourself NO YOU CAN NOT EAT THAT.....I am pretty sure you will have at least three of whatever it is that you aren't supposed to have. At least I am starting to see that's what happens to me.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this one. Keep in mind. I am not a size 0. I am also not a size 2,4 or 6. Some days I can get away with an 8. Since the post 40 weight gain I have been treading water at around a 10. Before that it was a solid 8. So, I am not "skinny". And, the weight that I lost hasn't put me in an ideal weight for me. But, it's 12-14 lbs. less than what I weighed in January, so I'll take it.
Do you diet? Are you successful? Do you feel that the no diet diet is the best route? This is a topic that I am so incredibly interested in. So comment. PM me. I know that I am definitely not alone in this.
At 43 years old, I long for the day where I will have a perfectly normal relationship with food again. And, I say "again" because I didn't have true food relationship issues until post college when I moved to Chicago in 1995. I know if you are a woman reading this who is equally as screwed up as me.....you get it when I say that I know exactly what size and weight I have been for the past 20 years. Wedding day, pre children, post babies, first day of my new job. The year. Things like that. I know exactly what size I was. And, what I weighed. That's some totally Fucked. Up. Shit.
For 1 1/2 years I have been obsessing about the way I will look at my son's Bar Mitzvah which is now 6 days away. How will I look in the pictures? He has worked SO INCREDIBLY hard on this, and I in parallel have worked hard to put a nice event together. I also worked hard to have my Bat Mitzvah before his Bar Mitzvah so that I could understand the commitment and dedication from a learning and emotional perspective. But, what if I don't look great? And, what if I hate myself in pictures? Will I ever forgive myself? This has been the song playing over and over and over and over in my head for 1 1/2 years!!! It is royally fucked up! First and foremost, it breaks the cardinal rule of what the bar mitzvah is all about. My son is 13. He is about to have HIS bar mitzvah. I am so incredibly proud of the person he is becoming and the things he does in his life. How can I be so shallow to even think about the way that I look? I am not even a shallow person!!!!! But, with this. I am clearly broken. When I realized that 3 weeks ago that I accept myself, and this is how I will look at the bar mitzvah, a tremendous amount of emotional weight was lifted off of my shoulders. And, the stress has manifested into joy and excitement. Weight and body image issues have ruined so many pivotal moments for me. I am not going to let it this time. I refuse.
Several years ago I wrote an article for Chicago Parent called No More Dieting. I thought I was free of it all. I was normal. With food. With my size. Normal by my standards. Not Hollywood standards. Not other people's standards. But, by MY standards. And, that was enough for me. I was in a good space both physically and mentally. And, as time progressed I got even better. But, then I had to fuck with it. That's right....after years of living "normal" getting out of the diet ditch, it wasn't good enough for me. And, I chose to go on a diet 6 months before I was tuning 40. Why? Because I had to look my best heading into the next decade of life. I dropped those extra 15 lbs. Weighed less than I had in like 13 years. I looked great. But, then as after I turned 40 I burnt out. I was sick of the restriction of this diet. I subconsciously rebelled. And, the pounds packed back on fast and furious. And, then in my desperation and misery, I did a diet winter/spring 2015. This would be categorized as basic borderline starvation. Let's refer to it as Spring Starvation of 2015. Extremely unpleasant. Break 1 rule-the whole thing goes to shit because you come out of ketosis. Who can live like this? If you can-hats off to you! Mazel Tov! But, I can't. Let me rephrase. I "could". But, I won't. I won't do this to myself anymore. Sure, I lost weight. But, as soon as I ate food like a human being-it came right back on-fast and furious. Just like the time before. And, before that. And, before that. Pure diet hell.
A few months ago I had a pivotal moment with my therapist. My relationship with food had gotten so restrictive due to the worry and fear of the bar mitzvah that I realized (again) that dieting is what has made me gain weight over and over and over and over again. Dieting has failed me. And, NOT dieting has aided in me losing weight while resetting my metabolism. I am about 12-14 lbs less than when I started my new job in January 2016. And, most of that has come off in the last several months of NOT DIETING. And, it's staying off (unlike Spring Starvation of 2015).
Look, I am not saying to eat and eat and eat and eat. I am saying that if you allow yourself to eat the things you like and you don't constantly restrict yourself, you will be all the better for it. I believe that our brain tells us what we need. Maybe it is sugar. So, have some fruit. Live on the edge and have a muffin. Put real sugar in your coffee or tea. Not that fake stuff. Real butter (less of it). Bread (not a whole loaf would be a good starting point). Allow yourself to eat like a normal person, and you will crave less and desire less because it's "allowed". As soon as you tell yourself NO YOU CAN NOT EAT THAT.....I am pretty sure you will have at least three of whatever it is that you aren't supposed to have. At least I am starting to see that's what happens to me.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this one. Keep in mind. I am not a size 0. I am also not a size 2,4 or 6. Some days I can get away with an 8. Since the post 40 weight gain I have been treading water at around a 10. Before that it was a solid 8. So, I am not "skinny". And, the weight that I lost hasn't put me in an ideal weight for me. But, it's 12-14 lbs. less than what I weighed in January, so I'll take it.
Do you diet? Are you successful? Do you feel that the no diet diet is the best route? This is a topic that I am so incredibly interested in. So comment. PM me. I know that I am definitely not alone in this.
Amen to all of this! You're going to look great this weekend!
ReplyDeleteKim you are wonderful in and out. You are raising two incredible young people and holding down a job. Be proud of the woman you have become. Love, Myrna
ReplyDelete